2019 started a few weeks ago, and I’m already pessimistic about it. I’m already angry about a lot of things, so rather of getting over my anger and move on in a adult way, I’m gonna rant in the school paper like a child.

First thing up, one of my favorite makers of veggie straws switched something up, and I’ve never been more upset. Instead of the one thing they should have done, added more flavor to each stick to make them better, they instead do the most dangerous thing ever. They added a sweet potato flavor. Read my words, sweet potatoes aren’t good, and you are lying to yourself if you think they are. Sweet potatoes aren’t sweet, and they aren’t potatoes either, they are lies made of starch. These potatoes were made by the government to stop Americans from enriching their diet with the delicious, better tasting white potato, and are arguably the one of the worst foods of all time.

Next thing on my list is the fact that my cool reusable water bottle that I got for Christmas is smaller than a normal plastic water bottle. Are you kidding me? What is this, Soviet Russia? Am I supposed to hold myself over for a whole day with a moderate size of water? I drink more than three gallons of water a day, and my physician says that I am massively damaging my body and brain by doing so. I am constantly engaging my mind all day, whether it be about whether or not Dora will find Swiper, or whether or not Theresa May will lose her fourth no confidence vote. Humans all deserve two things in life: a decent wage and a water bottle that won’t leave them by 1:00 P.M. on a Tuesday.

I’ve had this one on my back for weeks, and it feels great to finally say it. Everyone shut up about Birdbox. Mind you, it is January 15th while I’m writing this, and it’s already dying out, but no one lets me complain, so I’m doing it now. It was not good, it was not scary, it was a 2000s horror movie gone wrong. I’ve never felt more disappointed till that movie came out, and the entire plot failed to live up to the hype. Want something scary? Watch Silence of the Lambs, or Alien, or even Black Mirror. Geez, some of you guys have movie taste of three year old babies.